on marriage

Almost a year ago, I wrote about my divorce.  In that post, I said that my divorce shaped my thinking on marriage.  In other posts, I've referenced the fact that Kathy and I are not married, and that one reason for this is that she is presently engaged in what very well may be the most drawn out divorce in history.  It has literally been going on for years.  And so, I find that it's not just my divorce that has shaped my thinking on marriage -- it's also hers. 

So, what does it mean to have a view of marriage that is shaped by divorce?  For one thing, I am under no illusions that divorce is the quick or easy out for a marriage that doesn't work.  When you don't have kids, divorce scrapes you so emotionally raw that it can take years to recover.  When you do have kids, it's not just you that is scraped raw -- it's also the small beings entrusted to your care.  Not to mention the fact that almost everyone I know who has gone through a messy divorce has emerged with no savings.  None.  Divorce is a lot of things.  But "quick" and "easy" it is not.

Although these experiences with divorce might have made me bitter, jaded, or cynical about marriage, nothing could be further from the truth.  I am a romantic, underneath it all.  As Kathy's divorce slowly draws to a close, there are some marriage-minded people in my life (and in my house).  So, I've decided to take this opportunity to think about my definition of marriage, and why I would want to give it another try. 

One caveat, though:  this is what marriage means to me.  It probably isn't the same as what marriage is to you.  In fact, I would be kind of freaked out if there is someone out there with the exact same definition of marriage. 

London - my top tourist picks

(see number 3)

I've only been the two times to London, but since I glossed over or omitted some of my favorite tourist sites in my more detailed posts, I thought I would provide a condensed list of my recommendations should you find yourself in this amazing city.  I am sure there is much more to do that I haven't experienced, but here are my personal top picks, if you're interested.  There are 9, and although I wish there were 10, I have been highly selective about this list.

hey, California

I started making this list four years ago, with Kathy, when we both lived in the sunshine state.  For those of you who aren't familiar with the Bay Area, there is no summer there, and we both missed it desperately.  There's something about the ephemeral nature of summer that makes things sweeter then they would be if you could have them year-round.  That's why, although I remain a California girl at heart, at this time of year I never fail to appreciate certain things about an East Coast (or Michigan) summer.  Here are the top 10:

10.  Seasonal fruits and vegetables, especially tomatoes ...

9.  ... and all the things you can do with them.

procrastination

Here is the thing about studying for a standardized test.  It turns out that it's really, really boring.  I definitely learned geometry in 9th grade, and the ability to quickly determine the perimiter of that 30-60-90 triangle is not so much going to help me in grad school.  Or life.  Nor, frankly, is writing a form essay tearing apart an argument.  So, here are some things I have done today in order to avoid prepping for that test.

1.  Tidied the house.  Which, it turns out, was sorely needed after the crazy week we've had around here.  That means it took me nearly three hours -- and I didn't even pick up the kids' toys, I just dumped them all into a big IKEA bag for them to deal with later.  It has resulted in crazy talking-to-myself behavior.  For example, after my post-cleaning shower, I walked into the kitchen to find a bonzai tree sitting on the counter.  I whispered, "I do not want this tree here" to myself, while pointing at it like a wierdo.  A, who was sitting RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, but whom I had not noticed, erupted in giggles.  Apparently she brought the tree home from school.  Goodie.

2.  Browsed my iPhone for photos-of-interest to put on the blog.  I found this picture of my favorite coffee mug of all time, from our Fire Island cottage.  It prompted me, last summer, to start calling Kathy "Lover" as if it were her name.  She hates it.  HATES it.  But with this mug in hand, sometimes I just can't help myself.

things I secretly do when Kathy isn't paying attention

1. Put pieces of citrus fruit down the garbage disposal so it smells nice.
2. Water the lawn.
3. Sit in front of my google reader for 2 hours, drinking 3 cups of coffee.
4. Nap.
5. Plan and sometimes execute hyper-domestic tasks, like baking bread.

I have done all of these things except nap already today.  She busted me doing number 2, so I figure that I might as well come clean.

fears

1.  Now that I quit my job, I will have nothing to say.
2.  At the end of the year, I will have to go back.
3.  I don't actually want to have a baby, after all (I like my sleep).
4.  The current family drama will go on and on and on.
5.  The nanny will quit, and my year of time for myself will be spent on full-time childcare (especially the summer).
6.  It's all downhill after 30 (T minus 33 days).

Well.  That feels better.

S words

Maybe because my life is so fragmented right now, with quitting the job, family drama, friends in from out of town, etc., etc., but this is how my brain is functioning today.  Scattered.

Snow.  Can you believe there was accumulation when we woke up this morning?  I am convinced it is because I tried to plant the spinach last weekend.  I hope it survives.

Skirt.  This morning, I wore a grey pencil skirt.  I purchased it in high school.  Isn't that ridiculous?  It fits a little differently (ahem, tighter) but sometimes I get so much pleasure out of a great purchase.  A grey knee-length pencil skirt seems like something I will be able to wear until I die.  Although then maybe I will be like those little old ladies walking around in those polyester pants with the seams up the front of the leg, when I am wearing a skirt purchased in 1997, when it is 2075.

Stuff.  How has my little office accumulated so much STUFF in a mere three years?  And thanks, document retention rules, I can't go with my gut and just put all this crap in a dumpster.

Sigh.  I am going to go deal with the crap in my office, until someone comes to find me and dump another non-billable project on me, since I am the only associate in the department no longer concerned with my billable hours.

hi, want to be friends?

(from this flikr photostream)

I have talked before about how important I think it is to have a regular date night to sustain a healthy relationship.  Time together alone is essential to work through your issues, talk about your problems, hopes, and dreams, and do other things that can be little awkward with other people around (if you know what I mean).  But there is something else that I think is essential to a relationship.  And that other essential thing is friendship.  With other people.  Not as a couple.

This one is much harder for me than staking out time alone with Kathy.  This week, while Kathy was in London, would have been a good time for seeing my friends.  Except that I had a stomach bug over the weekend that had not quite worked its way through my system, so I cancelled a cardio class I was supposed to go to with a friend from law school.  I had dinner with my sister on Tuesday night (yes, she counts as a friend in my book), but again cut it shorter than I would have liked because I kind of felt like crap.  Then, Wednesday rolled around.  It was supposed to be a rescheduled friend-date with the law school friend from Monday, but the weather hit and I was trapped in the house all day.  Blah.  A whole week of Kathylessness, and I only got to see one friend.

Making friends is not, and never has been, the easiest thing for me.  I can be outgoing, and I do talk kind of a lot.  But that doesn't mean that interactions with people I don't know well are easy for me (they're not) and, frankly, I am kind of picky about who I will create a friendship with.  I am one of those people who would rather have a few close friends than many not-so-close friends.  If you're only going to have a few friends, it makes sense that you would want them to be people you thoroughly enjoy, right?  Everyone has people in their life that they like "only in small doses."  To me, that kind of feels like a waste of time.  If I only like someone in small doses, I don't really like them that much, do I?  Why, then, would I waste my time creating a relationship with a person I don't like that much?  Perhaps that is a bit harsh, but it's really how I feel about it.  So, to all my friends out there reading this, Hi, I like you a lot.  :-)

hausfrau

(borrowed)

I bet you thought I wasn't still planning to quit, since I haven't talked about it in a while.  Not so.  And what will I do when I quit?  Well, yesterday I read on APW about how great it is being a wife.  Specifically, the kind that takes care of the house.  I think I may have a somewhat romanticized notion of what it must be like to be a stay-at-home-wife.  Yet, on any given day, I would rather do stuff around the house then go to work.  So.

Things I like to think I would do as a stay-at-home-wife

1.  Wear A-line dresses while vacuuming.
2.  Work out on a daily basis.
3.  Happily fix all the stuff broken in our house, even if it requires going to the specialty hardware store.
4.  Read all the books I've been wanting to read.
5.  Bake.
6.  Plan healthy and interesting meals for the family.
7.  Grow an amazing vegetable garden.
8.  Start wearing makeup and actually doing my hair.
9.  Pay all bills on time and have a perfectly balanced checkbook and budget.
10.  Decorate my spotless house in a creative and vintage-y way that really reflects my personality by refurbishing items of furniture I purchase at the Salvation Army.

I haven't seen Evil Dead Two, yet

There are a few things that haven't happened in my life, yet.  Continuing in my recent High Fidelity-related obsession, I'll give you the Top 5 things that haven't happened in my life, yet.

5.  I haven't successfully grown a vegetable garden, yet.
4.  I haven't been to Paris, yet.
3.  We haven't bought the house across the street, yet.
2.  I haven't figured out what my next career should be, yet.
1.  Kathy and I are not engaged, yet.


Does that mean I will definitely do them?  How the fuck am I supposed to know, probably.

yawn

(From design is mine, via we <3 it.)

Not the tired kind of yawn.  The bored kind.  Yesterday, as we were sitting down to watch DVD number 3 of the first season of Glee (which we bought for a child for Christmas, then decided was completely inappropriate and have been enjoying ourselves ever since), I asked Kathy whether she thought I was a genius, and if she thought maybe that was why I am so bored at work.  I said it as a joke, but she took me somewhat seriously.  "Well," she replied, "You aren't as bright as this one roommate I had.  But you're up there." 

worth 1,000 words

Last night, I was making fried rice.  I was cutting the vegetables using one of these:

(it's a Japanese Mandoline)

Only without the guard, of course.  Very dangerous, apparently.  I made it through the broccoli, peppers, carrots, and mushrooms.  But when I got to the onions, I got distracted and cut the hell out of my finger.  It was bleeding all over the place, and Kathy made me a makeshift bandage consisting of a gauze pad and two band-aids, fortified with scotch tape.  I almost passed out.  I continued cooking dinner (which was delicious, if I do say so myself - the secret is really in the white pepper).  As I was eating I noticed my finger was bleeding through Kathy's bandage.  Oops.  We loaded up the kids and headed to the ER.  After giving me a tetanus shot, the doctor informed me that the cut was like taking a divet out of the grass when you golf -- a chunk of finger is missing, and it's not the kind of thing you can stitch shut.  There are 3 consequences to having this kind of cut that I can see so far.
 

Tom Terrific

So, my dad's birthday was last week.  I forgot it.  I feel absolutely terrible about it.  My dad, softy that he is, has forgiven me.  But still. 

My dad e-mailed me, my brother, and my sister this weekend with some advice in the form of a poem.  All my life, my dad has been chock-full of advice.  Sometimes, I didn't want to hear it.  Usually, that was when I needed to the most.  Now that I am an adult, I hear his advice coming out of my own mouth.  So, in honor of my dad, here are ten things I have learned from him.  Some are direct quotes, and others are things that I learned by his example.

1.  The job's not done until you put your tools away.  It is very convenient to have your tools in the drawer where they belong, isn't it?  How do you think they got there?
2.  Wiping off the counter is part of doing the dishes.
3.  Sunburn is bad for your skin.  Sun is not.
4.  Your friends will come and go, but your family will always be there for you. 
5.  Shine the flashlight where I'm looking, not in my eyes.
6.  You should spend your money.  That's the reason you make it.
7.  You should not fight with your brothers and sisters.  There are times when they will be the only ones who understand.
8.  Pitching in and working hard is part of what it means to be a family.  Sometimes, that means you will have to do things you don't want to do for the good of the whole.
9.  Being physically tired is different than being mentally tired.  At the end of the day, you will sleep best if you are both.
10.  Check the oil before you go on a long car trip.

And this, which he shared with me once when I was in high school, and again this weekend (so I guess technically, there are eleven things).  It is, as he said, a reflection of his spirit:

"With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world."  (Desiderata)

Thanks, Dad.  I'm sorry I forgot your birthday.  At least I remember all the things you taught me.

(This is my awesome dad, at the zoo.  I know, I know, I look exactly like him.)