lapse

I had planned on not writing any more.  To be honest, some of the allure of blogging had worn off when I realized I was no longer as anonymous as I thought.  I found out several months ago that the higher-ups at my old firm had somehow become aware of the existance of the blog, and the thought of them rifling through my relatively private thoughts, a discussion of my vulnerabilities, etc. left a bad taste in my mouth. And as a result, once everything went through the filter of what I would want them to read, I found I didn't have much left to say.  I tried to write a few times since then, and failed.

But, in reality, I missed it.  I miss it.  So.  Perhaps we will call it a lapse and see where things go from here.  Hopefully they have all moved on with their lives and were lulled into a false sense that I wouldn't write anymore based on my months of silence.

In case you're a reader who doesn't know me personally, hello, I've missed you, and I'll give you the briefest of updates, all in terms of facts and figures, although it doesn't say much about what life is like on a day-to-day basis.

Because I like blog posts better when they have pictures,

here is one from London (see update number 2, below)

even if it's a complete non-sequitor. 

Anyone who can explain it is invited to do so.

blogiversary

A year ago, I started this blog.  I can't actually believe that I've been writing, somewhat regularly, for twelve months now.  When I started this blog, it was about the writing.  Now that I've been writing it for a year, I feel like the writing truly has been the most important part.  Some days, the words flow like water.  Some days, I sit and stare at a blank white box, then finally sigh and write something that bores even me.  But still, for a year, I write. 

Kathy was telling me recently about a study that she read about.  There has been some chirping in recent years about adolescent brain development.  It seems that the decision-making part of the brain is not fully formed in adolescence, and as a result, adolescents are more likely to take unreasonable risks, and more likely to fail to appreciate the long-term effects of their actions.  Ask any parent of a teenager, and this is called making crappy choices.  The study that Kathy read about, though, suggests that this is (no surprise here) an important evolutionary tool.  When being a teenager meant leaving home and the safety of your parents, striking out into the world, perhaps it would not be such a bad thing if you were incapable of fully appreciating all the long term consequences of your actions.

I guess it's too bad, then, that as adults, we can't at least selectively tap into this kicked-out-of-the-nest stage of brain development.  Change is inevitable, so wouldn't it be nice if we could face it with, if not always courage, at least a certain amount of irreverence, and just make the change.  Sometimes, the specific change you make is less important than just making a change, any change.

blogging for your worst enemy

One of the drawbacks of a blog being public is that, until you are ready to share something with your enemies, you don't want to put it on your blog.  Even if your enemies aren't in the habit of regularly reading your blog, rest assured, the time that you post something you don't want them to know, they will discover your blog and read it.  Didn't we all learn that with livejournal in 2001?  Right.  That's why I never had a livejournal.  I don't think I can even count the number of fights amongst friends that were described to me beginning with, "Well, she put on her livejournal that I..." I guess now it's what people post on facebook?  Anyway, the internet is public.  So my approach to blogging is that I try to imagine the person I would least want reading what I write.  Then I pretend they are reading it.  And I try to edit out anything I wouldn't want them to know.

the point

Lately it seems like I can't be bothered to write anything.  Strictly speaking, that is not true.  I have written loads of posts.  I just haven't finished any of them.  I keep writing paragraphs and deleting them, over and over again.

Kathy was kind of blue last night, and when I asked her why, she said she had Sunday Night Feeling.  I realized rather suddenly that I did not.  Not at all.  She also asked me, at one point over the weekend, why I was being so nice to her.  I did not even realize that I was being particularly nice, but I observed that, possibly, I had just been so rancorous for my last six months of BigLaw employment that my "normal" state seemed extra nice.

So, what have I been doing with myself?  I've been gardening, baking, and painting A and B's bedroom. I started studying for the GRE. I've been reading. I've been vacuuming more frequently and doing my own grocery shopping, both of which make my inner control freak smile. I am content, for now.

But I have been writing blog posts that I can't seem to finish because I can't really put my finger on the point of what I've written.

the next 12 months

(contemplating life on the roof of a hotel in NYC, many months ago)

The severance package offered by my firm gives me a year's worth of (significantly reduced) compensation and health insurance.  That will take me through March of 2012.  I can't really afford to go back to school without some funding, and I am not willing to completely finance more education with debt, the way I did with law school.  The timing should work well in one sense, because I will find out what my offers are with respect to school at just about the same time that my severance money will run out.  And at that point, I will have to actually earn some money.  This, of course, panicked me.

working

Kathy working

The last two days, Kathy has worked from home.  Despite my best attempts, she has steadfastly maintained her position that just because I quit my job, it doesn't mean that she has.  Which means, UGH, she has to actually work when she works from home, not just hang out with me all day.

So today, I sat down at my laptop in the office to write this, and ended up instead just sort of surfing the web.  Kathy got on a work call.  I swear, she has spent half the call laughing. 

We have been under inordinate amounts of stress lately, due to some, um, issues in our family life.  There has been lots of love, but not a lot of laughing.  Hearing her laugh on the phone with her client has actually just made my day.  She likes to complain a lot about her job, but she actually loves being a lawyer.  She might not like some of the crap that comes with working at a law firm, but she does love being a lawyer.
 



A Room of One's Own

But, you may say, we asked you to speak about women and fiction -

what has that got to do with a room of one's own ?

Today, via The Happiness Project, I learned about a blog called Quiet: the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking, written by a woman who wrote a book with the same title.  Given how much time I spend thinking about what it means to be an introvert (since, actually, I have only kind of recently realized I am one), I was drawn to it.  I think one of the great truths about change is that in order for a change to feel right, you have to make sure you are not struggling against your own nature.  Hence, the thinking about being an introvert. 

One post I found particularly interesting and relevant is entitled 5 Tips for Finding Work You Love.  The tips are (in a nutshell, and as applied to me specifically):

1.  Pay attention to what you envy.  I do not tend to envy other lawyers, unless I happen to come across a lawyer working part time.  I am envious of friends that I have from college who have jobs involving books.  Reading them, writing them, writing about them, editing them.