born again

If all change is a "little death," there is also a little birth.  It being Spring, and given my New Year's Resolution (number one) that seems appropriate.  A piece of us dies, but a new piece also comes into existence.  And that is why, today, on the day that I gave notice at work, I think I feel so light and so happy.

(via)

To be honest, I expected to have feelings more associated with the death.  I expected fear, and yes, some grief.  Instead, I felt feelings I associate more with birth (like joy, and relief -- although I suppose that feeling could accompany either transition).  There was a little fear as I walked into the office of the Director of Attorney HR, and again as I walked in to speak with one of the co-chairs of my department, a woman I have a lot of respect for.  I have spent weeks agonizing with Kathy over the right way to say what I wanted to say, the way to spin it that would burn the fewest bridges and maintain these relationships, in case I change my mind and want to come back.  In the end, what won out was the simple truth.  I simply told them the Plan.

Step 1.  A few weeks ago, I found out that my firm was offering a sabbatical program of sorts to all associates.  For one year, I can quit and receive a fixed percentage of my salary and the firm will pay my COBRA premiums.  That means I will have health insurance, hooray!  At the end of the year, though, I am not guaranteed a spot back at the firm.  To me, this basically looks like glorified severance.  But that's okay.  Today, I took it.  I doubt that I will want to come back at the end of my year anyway, because...

Step 2.  I am going to spend the year preparing and applying for grad school.  Yes, more school.  Apparently 4 years of college and 3 years of law school were just not enough for me.  I am going to apply for either a masters or a PhD program (I have not decided which yet) in English.  That will probably not come as much of a surprise to anyone who reads this, but actually was somewhat of a surprise to people at work, who know me as the mathy one.  What am I going to study in particular?  This is a detail I have not yet precisely worked out.  For now, I am talking to some people in the field, gathering information, and trying to put the rest of the Plan in place.

Step 3.  Get a job.  Ideally, I would love to have a job teaching college-level English.  That is where I started when I was thinking about what to do if I took the year of free money and health insurance -- how to get a job teaching college-level English.  But those jobs are fiercely competitive and highly sought-after.  Will I get one?  I don't know.  I do know that my odds of finding a job (any job!) that I love increase dramatically when I study something I love.  So for now, the focus is on getting into a program that will serve as a basis for me to find that job.  A program that, hopefully, will require me to read a lot of books.

My last day as a Biglaw associate will be March 31, 2011.  So, two and a half months before my 30th birthday, I find myself soon-to-be unemployed, unmarried, and with student loan debt roughly equivalent to the average American mortgage.  And, for now, happy with the choices I have made.