taupe

I tend to think of this blog in terms of taupe posts and lime posts.  The Taupes being about serious or heavy topics, the Limes being lighthearted and short.  I try to keep it rather even between the two.  You know, balance, what have you.

(taupe)

Anyway, I have been feeling a bit taupe, over here.


Yesterday was kind of a rough day.  First, my dad bought me a workout called "Insanity" for my 30th birthday.  Once I decided not to be offended by this, I did the fitness test yesterday, and it totally kicked my ass.  For the record, I did the first workout today, and it also kicked my ass, to the point where I was, at one point, collapsed on the basement floor sweating, only to look up at the TV and discover that half the people on the workout video were ALSO kind of collapsed on the floor sweating, which made me feel better.  But I digress.  I did the Insanity thing yesterday, and it wiped me out.  (For the record, this was actually a really good gift for me, since I love working out and also love regimented systems where I get to check a box each day.)

Then, while exhausted and with aching legs, I spent a lot of time (1) studying for the GRE, (2) balancing the budget (mine and Kathy's, not theirs), and (3) paying bills and a parking ticket.  There were two results.  One, I forgot to pick Kathy up at the train because I was busily paying the parking ticket online when she had to go to the bathroom.  Two, I felt like a horrible, selfish person.

I have absolutely, positively been 100 times happier since I quit my job.  Yay for me.  But now money is super tight around here, and I can't help but feel that it was a little bit selfish of me to just up and quit for my own personal happiness, when I am part of a (struggling) unit.  I mean, I'm a socialist or whatever; I believe in sharing the burden of supporting the community.  And spending the day sitting around studying for a test to get into a school I'm not sure I can go to anyway (i.e., if I don't get some form of financial aid, I REFUSE to take out more educational debt) seemed like a waste of time. 

So when I picked Kathy up at the train, after she had finished castigating me for forgetting about her and leaving her at the train for an extended period of time when she had to go to the bathroom, I whined to her about what a selfish and horrible person I was, which I suppose is a bit self-centered in and of itself.  "But aren't you so much happier since quitting?" she asked, as if that were the point.

"Of course I am," I said.  "But it's not all about me and my happiness."  She said something along the lines of "It's okay; we'll make it through; don't worry about the money; I don't think you're horrible and selfish."  Which kind of made me feel better and kind of didn't.  It did make me feel better that she was lovely and supportive, but it didn't, because I was feeling selfish, and she was sitting there being all wonderful.

I always wish I could end these posts with something upbeat and optimistic so it's not just a long stream of feeling sorry for myself.  (Incidentally, I blame TV for this, since we are used to getting the lesson at the end and feeling confident that life and/or the characters involved will improve, but that's not really how it goes, is it?  Back over here in real life, sometimes you just have a crappy day and feel sorry for yourself, and then the next one is better.) 

So, since I don't have anything on topic, how about this.  Kathy is at the computer next to me, working, and she just put "pubic company" in an email.  Too bad she didn't send it, huh?  Also, today I did in fact feel better, for absolutely no reason.